


Garfield Ramsay

by Skyllion



Category: Garfield - All Media Types
Genre: Bad Cooking, Cooking, Cooking Lessons, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Garfield may or may not be an eldritch god, Heavily influenced by the Garfield Show, Slow To Update, and to just have fun, i sacrificed my sanity for this in exchange for seratonin, this is just my excuse to show off my obscure Garfield lore knowledge
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:46:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29051601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyllion/pseuds/Skyllion
Summary: It started simple enough.  Just a can of soup.  But this activity- cooking, it’s called- is enough for Garfield to crave to do more.  He decides to improve his skills to become the greatest chef ever.  He will destroy anyone who stands in his way.
Relationships: Garfield/Arlene, Jon Arbuckle/Liz Wilson
Kudos: 2





	Garfield Ramsay

**Author's Note:**

  * For [My family](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=My+family).



> I'm (not) sorry, Jon.
> 
> I literally wrote this because I thought it would be funny. As a result I've accidentally become obsessed with Garfield which is funny because technically Garfield was my first fandom. I would like to thank my family and friends for putting up with this Garfield obsession.
> 
> There is no real plan for this fic because I just write whatever. Anything could happen. Updates will be sporadic since I don't really have everything pre-written and organized, but the update will always occur on a Monday.

It wasn’t even 8:30 in the morning in Muncie, Indiana, and Jon Arbuckle was about to yell for the third time already.

“GAAAAAAARFIELD!”

There it was.

Garfield walked into the kitchen, casually munching on the doughnut Jon had foolishly left out. _‘Good morning to you too, Jon.’_

Jon turned around, fuming. “This is it, Garfield. I can’t put up with you stealing my food. From now on, there’s going to be no food in the house. None!”

Garfield thoughtfully took another bite of doughnut. _‘Then you’ll starve.’_

“I’m only going to eat at the grocery store or at restaurants. I’ll bring pet food back for you and Odie, of course, but if there’s no food in here, then you can’t eat it all! It’s the perfect plan!” Jon continued ranting. He then grabbed his coat and stormed out the door. “Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s breakfast time!”

The door slammed loudly. Odie lifted his head in confusion.

 _‘He’ll come back.’_ Garfield tossed the remains of the doughnut into his gaping jaw.

A few moments passed before Jon returned.

“Um, I forgot that I can’t leave you two alone… Maybe Liz will pet-sit so I can go eat?” He mumbled to himself as he ran to the phone. Garfield followed to watch the scene unfold.

“Liz…? It’s me, Jon,” Jon said. “I was just wondering if you could pet-sit Garfield and Odie for a little bit? Oh, right now. Yeah, I’m tired of Garfield eating all my food, so I decided I would only eat out of the house--”

Jon set the phone down. “She hung up on me,” he explained.

_‘What did you expect?’_

“Whatever. I’ll be back soon enough. Don’t destroy the house,” Jon said before leaving again.

As soon as the door closed, Garfield began digging through the fridge.

_‘I want some lasagna. Odie, do we have any lasagna?’_

Odie merely sat on the table and drooled.

 _‘Yeah, I’m not seeing any in here either. We have cheese though. We have some ground beef.’_ He closed the fridge and checked the pantry. _‘We have tomato sauce. We even have lasagna noodles.’_

Garfield shrugged, grabbed a box of cereal, and poured it down his gullet. _‘Eh, this will do.’_

* * *

“I’m hooooome!” Jon yelled from outside. “Garfield, can you unlock the door? I forgot to bring my keys.”

 _‘How long do you think we should wait?’_ Garfield glanced at Odie. _‘A couple minutes? An hour? A month?’_

“Garfield, come on, let me in!” Jon repeated.

_‘Does he have food? Odie, go see if he has food.’_

“Yip!” Odie yelped at the door.

“Odie? Can you unlock the door? Oh wait, I just got an idea!”

To Garfield’s horror and delight, Jon stuck his arm through the dog door and tried reaching up to the doorknob. When he couldn’t reach it, he started trying to fit more of himself through.

 _‘You wanna just climb through the dog door?’_ Garfield proposed.

“I think I’m stuck,” Jon admitted, most of his upper-body dangling inside. His left arm was pinned between him and the door frame.

_‘Astute observation, Jon.’_

Jon squirmed as he inched his way forward. Garfield lazily blinked and waited for Jon to stop wasting his time. He was hungry. He needed food.

“Almost got it…” Jon whispered to himself.

 _‘Not even close,’_ Garfield mused as Jon struggled to lift his arm out.

“Garfield, Odie, can you please help me?”

 _‘You brought this on yourself, Jon.’_ Garfield walked to the kitchen and began going through the pantry again. He had already eaten all the cereal earlier, along with all the cookies (good), crackers (great, especially the cheese ones), energy bars (terrible), and bread (bland). There was still the tomato sauce and lasagna noodles from earlier that seemed to beckon him, but who would eat straight tomato sauce and dry lasagna noodles?

He went back to the fridge and peeked inside. The ricotta cheese and bagged mozzarella peered at him from the shelf, along with the package of ground beef stacked haphazardly on top of some other meat.

No, it was too daunting. He needed to start smaller.

 _‘Oh, there’s some soup in the pantry,’_ Garfield realized. He ran back in and grabbed the first can he saw: Cream of Shrimp.

He winced upon looking at the label, but there weren’t any other flavors he could try his hand at.

_‘Well, I am pretty hungry, and this should be easy enough. Odie, do you want some?’_

Garfield shoved the can towards Odie, who shrunk away.

_‘No? Well, alright. More for me.’_

Garfield dragged over a stool to stand on and peered at the directions before remembering that he couldn’t read. Hm. That'd make this harder.

 _'Well, I've seen Jon make canned soup before. He just throws it in the pot with the heat turned to here and stirs it.'_ Garfield grabbed the big pot Jon used for soup and set it on the lit burner. He then used his claws to open the can, wincing as the soup plopped into the bottom.

"Garfield? What are you doing? I hear things bumping around!" Jon yelled.

 _'None of your business, Jon. Just worry about getting yourself unstuck.'_ Garfield turned back to his soup. The smell hit him like a truck. He went to the fridge and grabbed the carton of milk, dumping a good amount in. Maybe more than a good amount.

 _‘Alright, here we go.’_ Garfield grabbed a wooden spoon and began to slowly stir the mass in the pot before him. Odie trotted in, took one sniff, and trotted out.

 _‘Guess this is good dog repellent,’_ Garfield noted, smirking. He would remember this later.

“Garfield! You step away from the stove right now!”

The fat orange cat looked up. _‘Hello, Jon. How kind of you to join us for lunch. I hope you like soup.’_

“It’s far too dangerous for you to be at the stove!” Jon snatched the spoon away from Garfield and peered down. “Oh. It’s just canned soup.”

_‘I’m a beginner, Jon. I haven’t acquired this skill yet. You have to start somewhere, and I know you have to start small.’_

“Step down from that stool, Garfield. I’ll finish this. Why do I even have Cream of Shrimp?” Jon muttered.

_‘It pairs well with your fashion tastes.’_

“You just think you’re a funny little man- er, cat, don’t you? Standing here cooking while I was stuck in the door. I finally got through, by the way. As you can see. No thanks to you.”

_‘Congratulations.’_

Jon grumbled a bit more as he stirred the pot. Garfield glared at the man’s back, wishing he had laser beam eyeballs. How dare Jon interrupt and take over his cooking? How _dare_ he?

"Alright, we’re done. I assume you made this for yourself?” Jon offered a full bowl to Garfield.

 _‘I did. Now gimme.’_ Garfield quickly took the bowl, glaring at Jon.

“Don’t give me that look. Cats shouldn’t be cooking.”

_‘Cats shouldn’t cook? Jon, you speciesist fool. Remember that movie, Ratatouille? What was it that he said? Oh yes. Anyone can cook. I fall under "anyone".'_

"Calm down, Garfield. It's unsanitary and you could get injured very easily. Plus, then when I cook, I run the risk of getting cat hair in everything."

_'You said you weren't going to cook in here anymore because I always eat your food. I say fine, I'll make my own. You get mad. Make up your mind, feeble man.'_

"Your soup is gonna get cold if you keep standing here and insulting me," Jon snapped.

Garfield looked between the soup and Jon's face. _'I'm not hungry anymore.'_ He poured the soup directly onto the tile floor.

"Garfield!" Jon yelled. "You're wasting food!"

_'No, I'm sharing it with the mice.'_

As if on cue, Squeak the Mouse peeked out from under the cabinet and grabbed one of the shrimp from the spilled soup.

"Garfield, I told you to kill the mice!" Jon cried. "You're a cat! That's how you contribute to this house! By killing mice!"

_'Oh, but when I want to contribute by cooking, that's wrong? I want to create, not kill. But you just see me as a murderer. That's screwed up, Jon.'_

The man went quiet.

_'Yeah, think about it, Jon. You weirdo.'_

Garfield stormed off, leaving Jon in the kitchen with Squeak. _‘And by the way, you already had cat hair in everything! I just don’t make a big deal out of it!’_

Jon just stood there, and the mouse looked up at him. _'You're not gonna hurt me, right?'_ Squeak took another bite of shrimp. _'Mm, not hot enough. You should've heated it longer. Garfield would've done a better job.'_

"I can't believe a mouse is criticizing my cooking," Jon muttered. "I can't believe my cat wants to cook. I can't believe I bought Cream of Shrimp. I can't believe-" His stomach rumbled. "How hungry I am!"

Jon made sure to grab his keys this time before heading to the door. He hesitated before opening it. "Garfield?"

 _'Leave me alone.'_ The cat was curled up in the corner, arms crossed and a scowl on his face.

"I'm going to Irma's Diner," Jon started. "Do you and Odie want to come with me?"

Odie perked up at his name being mentioned, but Garfield didn't move.

"You can order whatever you want," Jon added.

Garfield leapt up and practically appeared at Jon's side. _'Alright, let's go. I'm starving.'_

"Maybe not whatever-"

_'It's too late, Jon. The promise was made and you must honor it. I'm getting whatever I want at Irma's.'_

Jon sighed and opened the door. Garfield and Odie rushed out to the car, shaking in anticipation.

"Maybe I shouldn't have left you two without food," Jon realized as he got in the front seat. Polka music filled the car as the trio sped off for Irma's Diner. In the passenger's seat, Garfield sat smiling, but on the inside he was scheming.

 _'I'll prove Jon wrong. I'll prove to him cats_ can _cook,'_ Garfield swore. _'And Irma's gonna help me.'_

**Author's Note:**

> If have any constructive criticism or stuff you want to see, feel free to leave a comment! I can't guarantee I'll use any ideas but you can throw them out there.
> 
> You can also follow me on Tumblr at https://yorfriendlyneighborhooddumbass.tumblr.com/ where I reblog random stuff and sometimes talk about myself
> 
> Also if you wanna be added to the gift list I can add you just lemme know


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